Surviving Santa: A Parents Guide

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle All The Way

In the seasonal spirit, some advice on the big day for parents of small(er) children. From a father who learned the hard way:

• Purchase 3 times as much as you think you need of the essentials (tape, wrapping paper, scissors etc…).
• Have multiple pairs of military-grade wire-cutters. For freeing presents from cable ties in the packaging. Do not use scissors unless you have forearms like Popeye.
• A magnifying glass is useful for when manufacturers print detailed assembly instructions in 6pt font to save space.
• You can never have too many screwdrivers. Jewellers Screwdrivers are a necessity, but may not provide a strong enough grip for some tasks.
• Forgetting about spanners is a rookie mistake. There’s alwas someone who things a Tricycle is a wonderful surprise gift.
• Prepare multiple boxes for different kinds of rubbish. Paper, plastic, styrofoam etc… Incrementally fill this as your kids unwrap the presents. Future you will thank you on recycling day.
• For any Nerf type presents, purchase extra ammunition. Bearning in mind there are now a zillion different kinds.
• For Transformer type presents you will be able to find YouTube videos on how to convert the ******* thing from one configuration to another. Watch these at least a dozen times. It won’t help, but it will give you hope.
• Keep the webpage for ordering spare Lego parts open and nearby. This may help console a sobbing 7yr old when the final piece of their Star Wars set is absent, missing, or has been eaten by a pet.
• Also bear in mind that many Lego sets now ship with surplus and/or unneeded parts. This is in no way a reflection on you or your building skills. You did a great job and the set is complete. Relax.
• Have a file pad on hand and multiple pens, to record precisely what was given to whom and (in case of cash / vouchers) the amount. This will help ensure relatives are still speaking to you in the new year.
• You may not wish to speak to relatives who purchase any kind of musical instrument, or anything with a voice box. In my view this is entirely legitimate.
• Have a camera to record the faces of delight as each child opens a gift from a friend / relative. Dont be continually unlocking your phone, you won’t have time before your kids destroy the gift. Mine have broken the 30 second barrier on multiple occasions.
• For relatives who you know have made controversial gift choices it may help to prepare reassurance in advance. For example “you never have to wear that in public”, “it was a lot of money in their day”, and “technically that is a form of confectionery”.
• Clearly schedule the thank you calls to relatives with your children in advance. Ideally prepare and rehearse a script. This is valuable training in how moral pragmatism is essential in the real world.

In summary, victory loves preparation. You can do this. See you on the other side…