Talking Techie About Therapy

Musings on Mental Health in Tech

Introduction, Thanks And Warnings

This article discusses my mental health issues as a Developer, Consultant, and Educator working in the Software Industry. I hope it will be of help to anyone working in IT. But please note this is just one person’s view, based around my own experiences and subjective opinions.

I was encouraged to write this after discussions with many friends and colleagues, most notably Simon Whittaker and Catherine Browne. The latter is a practicing psychotherapist, who has written on the mental health risks associated with being a professional in the private sector. If you recognise yourself in the persona she describes I recommend seeking help from a qualified professional.

The Background To My Issues

Almost fifteen years ago I hit a crisis point in my personal and professional life. My wife and I were raising two small children, whilst helping care for relatives with degenerative health conditions. I had been a freelance educator / consultant for a decade, constantly travelling and delivering workshops whilst self-educating and writing my own courseware. My wife managed the finances, but there was still a lot of paperwork to be squeezed into the remaining gaps.

On top of all this I had a side-gig as a martial arts instructor, teaching at my own club once a week and helping out at several others. I kidded myself that this was keeping me fit. In reality I was guzzling calories to compensate for fatigue and equating gains in physical strength to improvements in cardiovascular fitness. As a result I put on a lot of weight and my blood pressure increased.

These negative consequences were just as evident in my mental health. Migraines, which had always been an annoyance, became frequent and severe, impeding my ability to manage the above and adding to the stress. My level of anxiety skyrocketed. Unhelpful and obsessive coping behaviours, that had affected my childhood but not been seen since, became part of my life once again.

Seeking Professional Help

Ultimately something had to give, and I went to my GP for advice. He referred me to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (aka. CBT) specialist for a course of therapy, which was a qualified success. It helped greatly and gave me a fresh perspective, although in retrospect I might have benefitted from a longer and broader treatment plan.

Most importantly the therapy enabled me to make some tough but tremendously beneficial choices. I simplified my working life by ceasing to be self-employed and instead joining Instil. I reduced my martial arts responsibilities by closing my dojo and limiting myself to assisting other instructors. I learned to share more with others, manage my time better, and stop compensating for stress in counterproductive ways. It took me at least five years to turn my life around, but there was improvement right from the beginning. I am very grateful to everyone who helped me along the way.

That is the summary of my mental health story. The rest of this article is some insights I gained, which will hopefully be of use to others.

Dysfunctional Male Social Conditioning

My first observation would be that I am very much what you would expect from a male raised in Ireland in the 1970s and 1980s. Even today men are encouraged to button up their anxieties and carry on. But for my generation it was a core aspect of the school curriculum.

We were (for example) caned for bad behaviour, struck in the face for minor infractions, forced to run through asthma attacks, and endured bullying as a form of ‘toughening up’. Psychological ‘issues’ weren’t even recognised as problems worthy of discussion.

It’s hardly surprising then that men feel they have failed when they express any kind of weakness. To admit psychological issues is crossing a Rubicon that robs you of part of your identity. You feel diminished and emasculated. When my therapist asked me “is this the first time you’ve been treated for mental health problems?” I felt like a soldier accused of desertion and cowardice.

All I can say in response to this is that it’s total bullshit. I was considerably helped by a maxim in a friend’s social media post. I believe it went “mental health issues do not arise from weakness, they arise from being strong for too long”. We all have a point at which we need help. Push your limits too hard and you reach a stage where they push back.

Stress Is Cumulative, Failure Can Be Sudden

My assumptions about mental health in general, and stress in particular, were badly wrong and deeply unhelpful. I believed that I would recognise the level of stress within myself, and have plenty of time to take action when it became a problem. This was pure delusion.

Looking back I recognise that stress creeps up on you in tiny increments. Like a frog being slowly boiled alive you don’t realise the damage that is being done. You accept the way you currently feel as just ‘the way things are’, as opposed to an unnatural burden imposed on your health.

Similarly, you assume that when your health starts to slide it will happen in phases with lots of forewarning. There will be plenty of symptoms to tell you weeks in advance when you’re about to crack mentally or physically. I convinced myself of this until friends and colleagues experienced sudden and rapid declines in their health.

The life lesson is that the best time to act was yesterday, the second best time is today. Don’t expect life to hand you a ‘time to seek help’ card the same way the dentist and optician send reminders.

Imposter Syndrome Is Real

As is often said, there’s no easy way to earn a living. But working in the Software Industry predisposes us to certain kinds of stress and anxiety. Freelancers, architects and advocates feel it the most. But no one is immune.

All through my career programming languages, frameworks and libraries have proliferated, as have the methods we use to develop and test software. Eamonn Boyle and myself offer a conference talk on how this is pulling the industry apart. Although he is less pessimistic than me 😃.

All of us working in tech need to take personal charge of keeping our capabilities up to date, but none of us can make our skill set bulletproof. We all need to find a mental point of balance where we are happy, or it will eat away at our mental health in the background.

The Tigers In The Room

Probably my biggest fear about therapy was that the therapist would try and convince me that the “tigers in the room” (the sources of my anxiety) were ‘all in my head’. I didn’t feel I could cope with anyone trying to persuade me that my job wasn’t tough, travel wasn’t demanding, my relatives were not in need of urgent care etc…

Fortunately my therapist did not try to do this in any way. She acknowledged that the problems I was facing were real, and tried to help me find more productive ways of coping with the negative impact they were having on my life. In general my understanding is that therapists never try to deny the reality of the emotions you are feeling and/or the situations you are facing. I wish I had known this in advance.

Therapists Aren’t Family — Thank Goodness

As a young man there were low points where I asked for help from friends and family. I learned the hard way that expressing emotional weakness often only engenders surprise, confusion, or contempt. Often all three.

A key realisation for me was that therapists will listen to what you say with their full attention, and without the bias that those in your social circle inevitably carry. I was able to say things I could never say outside of a professional setting. It was tremendously helpful to know that there was someone on my side who was trustworthy, non-judgemental and working within a strict code of ethics.

Therapy Works

The most positive lesson I can share is that therapy works. I would absolutely recommend therapy to anyone going through a life crisis.

At a minimum therapy gives you time and space to clear your head. It allows you to unburden yourself, in a safe and supported environment, and gain new perspective on your problems. You will learn new things about yourself and supplement your toolkit of coping skills.

If this is something you need then talk to your GP. Firstly because (unlike me) they are qualified to give advice. Secondly because psychological symptoms can have physical causes. With their support you might then move on to finding the counsellor who best matches your needs. Here’s one source that may help with further information and signposting to private counsellors.